Life's All About Choices
by SadaraLochlan
Summary: Sadara has kept her pregnancy secret from Jim Kirk for months, but sometimes karma brings one what is needed rather than wanted.


Lieutenant Commander Kathleen Bradley stared at her best friend, Commander Sadara Lochlan as she stared forlornly out the enormous bay windows of the dimly lit officers' lounge on Starbase 1. The view of the spaceport and the myriad docked starships was breathtaking, but Bradley wasn't sure Lochlan even saw them. Even the Enterprise. And that worried her, right along with the rest of what worried her about Sadara these days.

Five months ago, Sadara Lochlan was a different person and her redheaded, bright green eyed Academy chum fervently wished that different person was here now instead of the depressed, unhappy, and unenergetic mess currently slumped at the table across from her.

Five months ago, Sadara Lochlan would have been living it up as she always had. She was a social person with a competitive streak. She loved karaoke and would drag the willing and occasionally the unwilling along with her. Fortunately, her enthusiasm and love of singing was so infectious that eventually even the grumbliest of souls found themselves willing to participate. Her career had been on the fast track and she had been clearly eyeing the center seat, hoping to become the one of the first females to command a starship in her own right.

But that was five months ago. Things had changed; and she had some hard decisions to make. And Bradley, growing ever more concerned about her, was also growing ever wearier of being sucked into the vortex of her best friend's depression. She hated the thought of going behind her friend's back, but she had to consider the possibility of staging an intervention… for Sadara's sake.

"Okay, why do you keep torturing yourself like this?! I thought you made your decision? Isn't it kind of masochistic to come in here every night and ogle starships when you know you're not going to be warping out one any time soon?"

A sigh emanated from across the table.

"Look, I know this isn't what you planned, but you're half Vulcan and that means you have a much longer life span than a lot of other species. You'll still be able to go back out into space later. This isn't going to kill your career!"

"I know, I know! I'm just not ready to let go just yet, is that alright?!"

Bradley's jaw clenched at Sadara's unexpected snippiness. Her patience had finally worn thin. "I'm just suggesting maybe it might be easier to let go if you stopped looking at what you can't have everyday. I'm going to leave you alone though. Have a good night."

Leaving the table and her half eaten supper, Bradley was just about to exit the lounge when she bumped right into the man she was hoping to find. She'd heard he was back on Starbase and the timing couldn't have been better. In Kathleen's estimation, fate had intervened. She hoped she was doing the right thing even if it meant violating her best friend's privacy. As far as the cherubic redhead's moral and ethical compass was concerned, safety trumped privacy everytime.

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Admiral Kirk frowned. He'd known Kathleen Bradley and Sadara Lochlan back when they were assigned to the Enterprise during its original five year mission about three or four years ago. The two of them were always laughing or getting excited about something. Bradley certainly didn't look the picture of that now. In fact, she looked downright frustrated and torn and tears shined in her green eyes.

"Let's go talk somewhere a little more private." Keeping his voice down, Kirk jerked his head in the direction of a small, dark alcove down the hall from the observation lounge and headed for it. Sitting down in one of the cushioned benches, he motioned for Bradley to do the same.

"What's the problem, Kathleen?" His voice was gentle. He wanted to help, hoped he could.

"Sadara, sir. For the last few months she's been a mess. If you saw her right now, you wouldn't even recognize her. I've done my research and I believe she's clinically depressed. She's a counseling psychologist so she *knows* she is or at the very least is in deep, deep denial about it. She doesn't do anything that used to make her happy. No hobbies, no karaoke, no dodgeball, no Kaltoh. Nada, zip, zero, zilch. And I feel like I'm betraying her trust by telling you this."

Jim Kirk's hazel eyes widened in surprise as he listened. "That certainly doesn't sound like the Sadara Lochlan I know… Any idea what's caused such an abrupt change in her behavior?"

Bradley swallowed nervously and she hesitated. She hadn't had much time to think this conversation through and all its implications, but her best friend needed help and Bradley's so far hadn't been enough.

Kirk frowned. He could tell she was holding back and it wasn't going to do anyone any good if she did. "Go on, Kathleen." He said, a bit more sternly than he would have liked. He hadn't meant for it to sound like an order though he was determined to find out what was going on.

"Um, that's the part where the breach in trust sort of comes in, Admiral. You should probably get that from her. I will say this, sir. You should see her because what's affecting her will affect you too as it concerns the relationship you two had. She's probably still staring out the bay windows in the lounge. Don't look for her on stage, that's for damned sure."

Squeezing her comfortingly on the shoulder, Kirk nodded. "Thanks Kathleen. I wish I knew more about what I was walking into, but I respect your need to respect her privacy. I won't mention that we spoke."

With a sigh of relief, Bradley cracked a small smile for the first time in what felt like weeks. "Thank you, sir."

"Now go get some rest. That's an order."

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Kirk entered the lounge, tugging at his gold command tunic as he scanned the room for his quarry. It wasn't particularly crowded or noisy and the Admiral was grateful for that.

Near the bay windows Bradley said… Kirk strode across the room; and he quickly became irritated when he failed to spot her immediately. Mentally, he willed calm. If she'd left, the computer could locate her or at least point in the direction she'd gone. Still, there was a sense of urgency in Jim Kirk that demanded results and he disliked it when fate got in his way. Then he forced himself to reconsider what he was looking for.

_Bradley also said I wouldn't recognize her… who was I expecting to see? Someone who is larger than life as I had known her. Someone who would stand out in a crowd. But Bradley said she's been acting depressed…_

That's when he finally saw her. Sadara hadn't moved much from when Kathleen had left her earlier other than her forehead now rested in her hands as she stared blankly at a couple of datapads. Her body language reeked of someone who wanted to be left alone. She was dressed in civilian clothes, entirely in black. A light, unbuttoned cardigan hung loosely about her, paired with a flowing black dress, and kitten heels. Her long, chocolate locks rolled down her back in loose spiral curls rather than her customary French twist she favored on duty.

_Whoa… Bradley wasn't joking… she looks like she's going to a funeral… what happened to all the bright, cheerful colors?_

Her back was to him, so Kirk cut wide and approached her from the side in the hopes he wouldn't startle her, but she did appear like she wasn't paying much attention to the outside world.

Pasting on his most charming smile, Kirk strode up to the table. "May I join you?"

Inwardly, the Vulcan/Human hybrid cringed. This was the moment she wasn't ready to face yet and here it was in her face anyway. Outwardly, she looked up and managed to summon a weak, tired smile.

"Certainly." She reached over to power down the datapads she'd been pouring over. It had less to do with conserving power and more to do with the fact that she didn't want him to see the subject matter. If she could get out of this conversation without revealing the major complication she would be relieved. She still needed more time to sort things out. "I hadn't heard you were back on Starbase."

Pulling out the chair to the left of her, Kirk brought it close so they could speak without being overheard and so Kirk could get a good look at her. His smile vanished.

There were bags under her eyes as if she hadn't slept well for weeks. They were red and puffy from crying and she looked pale on top of that.

"You look like shit, Sadara. Want to tell me what's going on or do I have to make it an order?"

She raised a vaguely amused eyebrow at that. "You can't order me to discuss my personal business."

"I guess you've got me there. I care about you so I guess I'm going to have to settle for asking you to tell me what's wrong and hoping you'll trust me enough to tell me."

Sadara sighed and rubbed her temples wearily. "For personal reasons I won't be able to warp out with the Essex as her next Captain as I'd hoped. That particular career ambition has been put on hold, not indefinitely, but for… some time. And I'm… having difficulties coming to terms with that."

Kirk knew how ambitious Lochlan was and how much she'd wanted to help forge a new realm of acceptance for women as starship captains. Her former captain on the Essex, Ryuu Yamamoto for whom she'd served as first officer, had also helped to edge her closer to the captaincy. And Kirk could sympathize and empathize since becoming an Admiral; grounded, with seemingly no hope of escape. But he still didn't know how she came to be grounded.

"But surely whatever the issue is, it can be worked around?"

"Not to the satisfaction of my conscience." She said with conviction.

"Sadara…," Kirk winced at the finality of her tone. Even during their nearly year long relationship she had been an all or nothing kind of person about many things, but this… it was one of the reasons they had parted, albeit amicably. Rising from his chair, he crossed the remainder of the short distance between them and gently tried to turn her chair to face him. He frowned suspiciously when she put her hand on the edge of the table, trying to stop the motion.

"Sadara, what's gotten into you?!" His frustration was evident now and he was going to get to the bottom of this one way or the other. Jerking her chair back, he whirled her to face him and instantly regretted what he'd just done. All the color drained from his face as he watched the same drain from hers in a wave of nausea. One small hand shot up to cover her mouth while the other rested comfortingly on her swollen belly.

_Wow… a baby… oh my god…_

The stunned Admiral knew he should do something besides stare, but he found himself stunned immobile as he tried to process the image before him. Bradley hadn't been joking. Finally, Kirk reached for Sadara, needing to touch her, hold her as if the physical contact would somehow confirm the surreal image.

"Oh my god, Sadara, I'm so sorry… Here, let me help you…" Reaching for her hand, Kirk reached around her back, meaning to help her up in case she needed to bolt for the ladies' room.

"Jim, I'm fine, just give me a moment…" She cursed herself for letting him find her like this. With a deep breath, she calmed herself though and willed her anger away. He knew now so there was no reason to remain angry about it.

"Of course." Trying to resist the urge to hover over her, Kirk flagged down a waiter and ordered a stiff drink, then began pacing.

"Jim, sit down, you're driving me crazy!"

He stopped with an angry motion; and turned to look at her with a million questions in his fiery hazel eyes.

She held up her hand and began with the obvious ones.

"Yes, it's yours. 24 weeks. I hadn't told you yet because it's taken me a long time to decide how I'm going to handle all of this. Yes, I realize that doesn't excuse not telling you sooner, but I think I would have been more confused if there had been more opinions swirling in my head. Yes, I understand you're hurt that you found out this way. Yes, I know what we're having; if you want to know I'll be glad to tell you. Yes, I know I'm going to get a lecture first from you about not taking better care of myself and your child and then I'm going to get a similar lecture from Dr. McCoy after you've run this all by him. Have I about covered it?"

"You hit the highlights," Kirk said dryly, though pain and hurt was evident in his eyes as he took everything in. The waiter arrived with his drink and Kirk knocked it back, and then set it gently down on the table. "We need to go somewhere private."

"Jim, I'm tired…" Her voice died when he pierced her with a look that brooked no opposition. They were going to settle some things tonight whether she was tired or not.

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They decided to go back to her apartment so she could rest after Kirk was satisfied they'd made some progress. Of one thing he was certain: he was not going to have a repeat experience of what he went through with Carol Marcus. His child would know its father.

Their relationship had lasted nearly a year so Kirk was familiar with Sadara's apartment. He wandered into the kitchen and poured some non-alcoholic drinks for both of them while she changed into some more comfortable clothing. Her apartment was mostly the same as he remembered. Furniture had been rearranged as she was prone to doing frequently, but as always there were fresh flowers on the dining room table and the place smelled faintly of vanilla. The walls were the standard issue white, but the bright and cheerful colors that Sadara favored were present in her furniture, drapes, and other belongings. Fond of antiques, Kirk had always been drawn to her collection of music boxes.

After a few moments the soon to be mom came out of the bedroom, having changed into a long, light pink satin nightgown. At this point, she was so exhausted she didn't even care if Kirk stayed. Kirk's eyes widened in surprise and a pleased smile tugged at his lips. He hadn't expected her to become quite *this* comfortable, but he couldn't complain; the gown looked lovely on her. Still, he couldn't help but feel more drawn to his son or daughter growing inside her.

Carrying their glasses into the bedroom, Kirk set them down on her nightstand. He grinned with amusement as he took in the new bedding.

"Yellow?" He teased.

"I like color. You knew this about me." Grinning, she grabbed one of the pillows off the bed and tossed it in his face.

Laughing, Kirk let the pillow fall back on the bed; and then took Sadara's hands in his as he pulled her to sit down on her bed beside him. He was about to say something when she put a finger gently to his lips and took one of his hands, laying it flat across her belly.

"It's kicking, Jim."

Despite her own inner turmoil regarding her pregnancy and how it conflicted with her career goals, Sadara couldn't help but feel her heart squeeze at the awe and wonder that now lit up Jim Kirk's face. It was a beautiful moment that she couldn't believe she'd almost missed out on because she was too wrapped up in her own wants and desires.

"My god, Sadara," he whispered in amazement. "It's so strong! How long have you been able to feel it?"

For the first time in she couldn't remember how long, a genuine smile brightened Sadara's face. "About two or three weeks. Not very long. It gets stronger everyday though."

"A girl, isn't it?"

"Why do you say that?" She cocked a quizzical eyebrow at the handsome, young Admiral.

Pinching the silky pink fabric of her nightgown between two fingers, he smirked at her. "The color. I thought maybe you were trying to tell me something."

"And you would be right. You always were on to me. That's how we got into this mess in the first place." They both couldn't help but chuckle at that.

"A daughter… wow! I don't understand why you're so… upset about this though?"

For a moment, Sadara pondered her words and she reached up to brush a stray curl out of her face, the tears threatening to choke her up again. Getting up, she paced, the movement helping her to express her thoughts.

"It was the timing more than anything. And I'd felt like I'd let a lot of people down, especially Admiral Yamamoto. He'd fought hard to get Starfleet Command to agree to promote me to Captain of the Essex after her refit was complete. And how did I repay him? I went out and got knocked up. Not on purpose, mind you, but still… Accursed birth control failures… I mean I knew that I wanted to have the baby and stay home to raise it, but in terms of my career having a child came with a high price. What I want is just going to have to wait; and there is a large part of me that still resists that. But I don't want to leave her with my parents. She deserves the very best I can give her. And it's logical, even if it's not how I'd planned my life. I have at least another 170 years left in the Vulcan lifespan so I have plenty of time to venture back into space after she's grown. It would be beyond selfish of me to dump her off on my parents so I can keep gallivanting around the galaxy. It's that selfish part of me that wishes I could have my cake and eat it too as that old terran saying goes."

She stopped to place a few rods in her Kaltoh, a Vulcan game and one of the few aspects of her Vulcan heritage that Sadara found truly enjoyable to her. The goal is to create a perfect sphere out of the rods and create order from seeming chaos. Strange that it would seem so analogous to where she found herself in her own life at the moment.

Kirk watched her with fascination, but was still listening to her intently.

"I guess I feel I've lost some of my purpose. I feel directionless. I had a direction; on a starship, exploring space; and a goal to become a starship captain. I feel I'm floundering now. Yes, I'll be a mother now; but that doesn't mean I want my Starfleet career to be dead in the water. I don't want some dead end ground assignment. If I'm going to do something here, I want to push something forward. I want my work to mean something. I want to open some doors for people, since obviously it won't be for women as starship captains anymore."

Jim Kirk winced at the bitterness in the last sentence. He rose from the bed and turned her to face him, pulling her close. He wrapped his arms around her, though he found himself at a loss for words. He knew what it felt like to not be on his starship right now, the gaping hole in his heart and soul at not being able to explore space; but he honestly couldn't say he knew what it felt like to be in her shoes right now. She wanted to fight for an opportunity for women that he, as a man, always had available to him; an opportunity that he'd been able to take advantage of and experience. And now she was, at great personal and emotional sacrifice, stepping back from that to do what countless women had done before her; raise a child. His child.

"You are opening the door for someone, Sadara. You're opening the door for our daughter."

A laugh. "That's corny, Jim, but in a way, you're right. Thanks."

He smirked and pulled back a little to caress her face. "So what do you think you'd like to do if you had to pick a ground assignment?"

"Well, I have that doctorate in counseling psychology; and perhaps you could corroborate this, but Admiral Yamamoto used to tell me that being a Captain was a lot like being a counselor a lot of times. I've been thinking about proposing an idea to Starfleet about instituting a counselor's program in Starfleet. I think it would be a damned fine idea to have a counselor's slot on board starships. It would take some of the weight off of the captain and would give the ship's surgeon a consult on mental health issues. Of course they'll probably want all that research and statistics to support it all so I'd gladly spearhead the project."

"That hardly seems directionless and I'd be more than happy to back you to Starfleet Command. I'm sure Admiral Yamamoto would too."

"Thanks Jim. I just hope they go for it."

"We'll work on it. In the meantime, tomorrow I'm having Bones come over here and have a look at you. In fact, I'm going to call him in just a moment…"

"I thought he didn't do housecalls."

"He will this time if he knows what's good for him."

"Well if you're going to do that you might as well just camp out here tonight given the time. I'll fix us some dinner and we can talk some more; though keep in mind not every minor detail has to be decided tonight. I'm exhausted, okay?"

"I understand. And Sadara?"

"Yes Jim?"

"I'm going to be there for you two. You're not going to be able to keep me out of her life like Carol kept me out of David's. You know that right?"

"Jim, I hope you don't think I was never going to tell you. I just needed to get my act together first."

"I can appreciate that; but I also know how stubborn you can be. Some things are bigger than one person and this is one of them. Who counsels the counselor?"

"Usually another counselor, Jim. Or a good friend." Sadara smirked as she wandered off to the kitchen to start dinner. "Heavens I'm getting domesticated."

"Eh, that might not be so bad…" he teased.

"I'm gonna smack you…"

"Where have I heard that before…?"

"Are you saying I make idle threats…?"

"Uh, do I see this leading to the doghouse?"

It was at that moment, when they busted out in laughter and teamed up to fix dinner that it truly dawned on Sadara Lochlan that she needed to take her own advice; life was all about choices. James Kirk was grounded just like she was, at least for the moment. He was no happier about it than she was, but unlike her, he hadn't let it completely sap his joy for life. There was something to be learned from that. You can't always pick the hand you're dealt, but you can choose how to play the cards.


End file.
